There IS Redemption for Harlots

There was a time when I thought that I would “never NOT go to church.”  When I first became a follower of Jesus Christ, I loved being with other believers, felt loved and welcomed; I thoroughly appreciated the opportunity to listen to sermons and sing in the choir or with the congregation. I was excited to go, learn, grow in my spiritual journey.

Over the past 45 years, my spiritual journey has never stopped, but there have been times when I did not attend church services. I kept studying God’s Word, and praying/talking/walking with Him, but thru various life stages/circumstances, “church attendance” was not a part of my routine.

There was a time in my life that I felt “called” to serve the Lord in some official capacity. I felt that call way back when I was about 17-years old. HOWEVER, “norms” that I knew back then and along my path for about 20 years, led me to “think” that “someone like me” could never be truly “called” by God to serve Him, especially through church work.

My misconception was that to “work for the Lord” one had to serve thru a church or some kind of religious organization. I KNOW BETTER NOW, but it was a hard/painful lesson to learn … in peopleness.

I once engaged in a Bible study (The Sacred Romance by John Eldredge) that posed the challenge/question to “go back in time when you first heard God’s call on your heart.”  I could easily go back to being 17 years old. Then, the challenge was to recall the times/instances since “hearing that call” that you were ready to answer, but you were blocked by … well, SPIRITUAL WARFARE, or those “fiery darts of Satan.”  (which usually came through people who may or may not have known they were being used by the Devil)

When I journaled thru this study and wrote down those “watermarks” in my life, tears streamed down my face. I started realizing that all the times that I felt rejected, dejected, unusable or unworthy of serving God thru church or those religious organizations, that it was WARFARE! But I remember saying to God, “I wish I could have served you in a “bona fide” way” (thinking that was in a church role) and consistently repenting and apologizing for “messing things up” so that I was not useful to Him.

Then ONE DAY … a huge life circumstance happened … after yet another one of my less than wise choices … and I found myself pregnant. I had just started back attending church and feeling better about how my life was going, then when this reality hit, I recall saying to God, “Well, I screwed up again. I’m so sorry. You will never be able to use me now. I just need to accept how I’ve failed You.”

I was 37 years old. I was at the “end of me” … so tired of struggling. So tired of being lonely, feeling unloved, feeling worthless/useless and unable to “fix” my life. I didn’t know how I was going to survive or manage this new situation. I just felt I would be doing it all alone. I was incredibly sad.

Certainly, abortion was an option. But I’d been down that route before and I knew how devastating that had been to my soul. With the last bit of hope I had in me; I prayed and begged God to give me the courage to see this through. And while I knew these circumstances would ruin any testimony I could ever have as a “CHRISTIAN” … I wanted to have this child and be the best mother to him that I could be.

About 2 months after I realized I was pregnant, a friend came to me and said, “I am going to be starting a new ministry at Westwood, and I would like for you to be my assistant.”

I looked him dead in the eye and said, “I’m pregnant.”

And without hesitation, he replied, “Well, I am going to be starting a new ministry at Westwood, and I would like for you to be my assistant.”

I told him that I would love to accept that job, but I could not without the Pastor (Bob Bell) knowing my situation first. So, he went to Pastor Bell, and then the Pastor called me in to talk to him. He asked me a few questions about my “skills and abilities to do the job” and then he asked if I planned to marry the father of the child. I said, “NO.”

Then he said, “Well, we’ll be your family then.” And I accepted the job.

Who would have ever thought that God would allow an unwed, pregnant woman to serve Him in a public way thru His Church? I was in the biggest mess of my life and while I expected to still be kicked to the curb when the baby was born (because he would be biracial), I never expected God to have a “message” from my “mess.”

There are quite a few difficulties in the long story, but I ended up serving the God thru a bona fide church role for about seven years. For the “most part” it was a good seven years, and I made some wonderful, loving friends. But another thing that Pastor Bell told me when I accepted the job was “You are going to see and hear things that will be hurtful and turn you off from the church. You are going to need a tough skin.”  And he wasn’t talking about the gossip pertaining to my situation. He was talking about the politics and “peopleness” and such as that. He was right. Tho’ “TOUGH SKIN” was not enough. And I soon found that some of those matters of church politics and peopleness would require a “tough heart and soul” too.

One of the pastors on staff, with whom I worked closely, consistently advised me, “Carole, you do not need to be serving in “this box” … The gifts God has given you will be much more fruitful out in the marketplace and the world.”   While I absolutely knew what he meant, I was not in a place where I could just “give up” and find that “other place” to serve. But the peopleness of the church life kept piling on and just wreaking havoc on my emotional health. I wanted to get out, but I did not want to “quit on God.”  And I was so distraught in my spirit, I could not see options.

Finally, one of my doctors wanted to prescribe me some antidepressants to help me “deal” with my anxiety of “work.”  And I said, “I do not want to take a drug to be able to work for my church.”  And he said, “Then Carole, you must find different work.”

God blessed me so richly with a wise, critically thinking daughter who has always been able to “think with clarity” … she encouraged me to “get out” and “go back to school.”  And God blessed me with a mentor/friend, who also was able to think critically and with clarity, and said, “GET OUT, and let me help you get back on your feet.”  So, I took a leap of faith, applied to college, took the ACT, and received a full scholarship. With my friend’s help, I was able to “break free” and take respite in a new path before me.

My heart and my spirit were broken “in the church” but not by God … not by Jesus. I suppose I just put too much stock in the “organization” of people. For me, church became more about programs and policy and yes, “pretense” — and the conflict I felt in my “being” was too overwhelming to bear.

As it all turned out, my pastor friend was correct about “the marketplace.”  It is a better mission field for me. The “organization of church” was a confining box – unbearably confining for me. After a few years in college and finding work “in the world” – I tried to go back to church. I left the one I served in and joined a different one where a friend was Pastor — only to be faced with more “politics and peopleness” and heartache.

I’ve not been able to return to “the church.”  These days, so many people I talk to have similar stories about “not being able to go to church.”  It’s not just the normal “church politics” these days … it’s the “world politics” that has entered the business of church. I can’t bear it … there is NO PLACE for politickin’ intermingled with worship.

WORSHIP is about GOD … HE IS TO BE THE FOCUS.

Even when I was serving in the church, I witnessed what was ALL TOO OBVIOUS that in worship services, the “focus” was switching from GOD being the audience, to “people” being the audience and needing to be “inspired/entertained/validated.”

These days I hear “church folk” talk about “being persecuted by the world” — and I hear “folk in the world” talk about “being persecuted by the church.”   

One time I was talking with Pastor Bell about one of the programs I was tasked to “sell” (promote/communicate) … and I said to him, “I have no problem at all “selling Jesus” — but I do have some qualms about “selling” the church and programs.”

He said firmly, “Listen … when you sell the church, you ARE SELLING JESUS. The CHURCH is the BRIDE OF CHRIST, and you need to remember that.”

Well, in theory that’s true. The CHURCH IS THE BRIDE OF CHRIST.

I DO NOT WANT to think poorly of “the BRIDE OF CHRIST” — and for all God’s intentions for her, I do not think poorly.

BUT this is going to be a strong statement and I’m certain many well-meaning saints will gasp and have a come-apart. It’s hard for “folk” to see Jesus … when the BRIDE is “showing out” and conducting herself as a “harlot.”

Our idea of a harlot is one who sells herself for pleasure/sex/things/power/position.

There have been numerous bible scholars speak and write on the concept of “the harlot church.”   Spiritual adultery … serving mammon/man … and not God … for their own gain. It’s a dangerous situation, but it has been foretold in Revelation.

It speaks of a complex process of religious, political, and economical systems that stand in opposition to God, Jesus, and His Will for people. The BRIDE of CHRIST is supposed to be alignment with God’s Will — obeying the teachings of Jesus — being the SALT and LIGHT to preserve the world in Jesus Name.

What’s happening with the church — THE BRIDE OF CHRIST?

During all the chaos and disconnect, I am so “heartened” when there are “glimmers” of hope and light through those VOICES CRYING IN THIS WILDERNESS. I also HOPE that those who are disenchanted, disappointed, and disengaged from “the church” can see (despite what my pastor said to me in his chastisement) … that JESUS is not the “organization” called “church.”  Regardless of the denomination, “people” run those organizations — and people mess up … A LOT!

When people mess up … there is a path back to the BRIDEGROOM! EVEN FOR BRIDES WHO ACT LIKE HARLOTS … there is a path to REDEMPTION.